WyzWmn's World©

my nephew’s lady love is going thru the hell
of being diagnosed with lupus

she’s 21 years old
and hurts as much as an 80 yr old
like all of us living with chronic illness
she has good days
and bad…

today she wrote this…

“this is it.
I wake up. I crawl to the edge of the bed. I sit, head in my hands, tears on my face.
I struggle to stand and walk, I stand in the shower and I let the heat work its way through my body. I feel better. I determine what pain medication to take for the day. I take it. I wait.
I put my makeup on, I stretch my body now that the aches are less. I bend, turn. Stop.
He kneels in front of me and massages my legs and feet. “be careful, baby.” I tense, flinch.
I drive to work, flex my hands on the steering wheel. Hide my skin and eyes from the sun. I love the sun although it burns my eyes and sickens me. I sit in my car, close my eyes. I am strong enough to walk. I am. I know I am.
I work, I flex my hands. My head aches and my nose feels as if its been scalded. I laugh and smile and cringe inside. I am exhausted. My fever rages, my skin itches. My bones ache. My insides ache. I fear whats making them hurt. I fear my future.
Leave work, see doctor. Test after test. Look for problem, fix. Seek and destroy. Wait.
Go home, try and eat. Sick to my stomach, I struggle up the stairs.
I snuggle, I laugh. My life is good, I am lucky.
Rest, laugh. Love. Be calm and prepare. One day down, One day at a time.
This is my life, the life of 2 million other men and women living with my disease. We are at war with our own bodies, the very immune system that is supposed to heal us, is killing us. Lupus is a disease without a face. It has no tests, no outward appearance, no cure. Few treatments.
We hide from the sun, from our favorite foods.
We never bear children.
We replace our organs with hope for a few more years. We take harmful medications, because there is no other choice. There is no help for us, no hope for a cure, little hope for pain relief.
But what else can I do. I must live, so I do. To the absolute best of my ability.”

I am in awe of her strength..
she has a long way to go
dealing with what for many would be a life crushing blow
her motto is
“can’t fail”

she’s real
I’m proud to know her.

I sit and look
at the wonder
of these monstrous cedars
and the horses, alpacas and chickens
and I am both calmed
and rejuvenated

somehow
being at the farm
always makes me contemplative
so I’ve just reread my post
from this day last December…

I’ve been contemplating the changes
in my life in the past year
work, health, lifestyle
2011 held some
big big changes for me

my daughter died in 2011
which precipitated
for me
and my family
a kind of reckoning
and conversation
never before been held
in our family

I started a new job in July
that I hope will lead to
ongoing calm, respectful professional work
as long as I can work that is…

the peepers are better

I know my heart is not affected by
the stress levels on my last job
although for a while we thought it was

I know that my Crohn’s is more active
than it’s been in years

I’m learning to balance the diabetes

I’m currently dealing with new ailments
and struggling to figure out
what the next test will be…

I’m hoping that it’s positive
like maybe a ride on the Pickle in the spring!

today I’ve been reading a lot
of people’s thoughts
for the end of this year
and the beginning of the next

so for
by a landslide
my favorite
for the last day of 2011
is:
“A very happy Old Year’s Day to all.
Rejoice in all the good
of the past year
and forgive any bad.
Tomorrow we start anew.”

I’m both calm and inquisitive
as to what 2012 will bring

Moving in to a new year
used to mean a frenzy of preparation
to allow me to meet resolutions

Now it means an understanding
that I continue to be
a work in progress

I predict that 2012
will be a year
of “balance”
world wide

Financially,
socially,
personally,
kosmically….

and so…resolutions?
they are always the same:

“I resolve to continue
to learn how to love myself

I resolve to continue
to learn how to be kind

I resolve to both accept
and give charity

I resolve to love
and be loved

I resolve to respect
and be respected

I resolve to have faith
and to be faithful

I resolve to hope
and be hopeful

I resolve to find the goddess and god
in all that I can

and I promise to forgive myself
when I slip”

I wish all of us
a Happy Healthy New Year.

For we are Brightly Blessed…