Sept. 14/76 to Apr. 30/11

on Sept 14, 1976
I gave birth to a baby girl
that I named Rachael Lee

I made the hardest decision of my life
and gave that child up for adoption

I was a junkie – full blown
who’d just lost the love of her life
and was no more ready to be a mom
than I could have flown to the moon

I always said that
I didn’t want to become
one of those women
who end up on Springer
talking about the baby
they “lost”
only to have someone shout
“you didn’t lose her
you gave her away!”

that would never happen to me
because
I never thought of her as lost

I thought of her as….not mine

I knew that she’d been adopted
and that those people must love her

so I was good
holding a quiet place for her
in my heart…and loving her
from afar

in early June of 2008
a then friend
under some sort of misguided assumptions
reached out
and
found my daughter

and for me and my family
started a snowball
that we may never recover from

by the end of June 2008
I was informed by the CAS
that my daughter had decided
that she didn’t want to find
her birth family anymore
so I decided to stand down
and I fought with my family
over it.

a fight that I first had
thirty odd years ago…

but the bones were cast
and now…

I knew what she looked like
I knew her new name
so over the last 3 years
I guess I sorta
cyber stalked her
not so she’d know
but to appease my
giant curiosity

for the very first time
since she was born
I could no longer
just leave it all up
to blind faith

I had a need
but a need
that must be answered
without causing her
and hers
any more distress…

I found out
that she suffers
some of the same demons
I do:
outspoken but shy
hid herself behind a nickname
had a daughter – that she was raising
a tendency to over share
artistic but bored fast
never had a drug of choice – loved em all
all about being real
no lies, no bull, no pretending
fakers and clingy people need not apply
selfish and yet insecure.
I found out that she looks like me
a younger version
with hair
but like me…

I found her on FB
and I found her on YouTube
and because
she didn’t want a connection
I watched from a distance
and did my best to honour
her wishes.

I’d not looked in on her for a while
there’s been lots going on in my life
and in true selfish form
I’d got caught up in it
and I really hadn’t looked

so today I went to see
and today I found out
that my baby girl
died April 30, 2011
of an overdose

it remains to be seen
if it was intentional
or not
I’ve read the obits
and notes left in memoriam

my mouth is dry
my head hurts
and I am numb
kinda like the feeling I get
just before a migraine

I’m sure
that there is processing
to do
but I’m just stumped.

I feel the loss
just as I felt
all those years ago
only this time
there comes with
a kind of wistful sadness
that I can’t place
surrounded by
what if’s
and woulda, shoulda and coulda

and for the first time
in a very long time
I don’t know
what to do.

I feel like
I should tell someone
but I think that
I can’t tell my family
over the phone
and my aunt’s celebration of life
isn’t until Sunday

so I’ll wait
and other than that
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I should do something
I’m just not exactly sure what
at the moment

how very sad
and very odd
all at once
it feels suspiciously
as if someone has sucked
all the air out of this room