just like when I was little.

it’s an easy enough thing
for me
to let my mind wander
away from the things
that hurt or bother me

I’ve been doing it
my whole life long

all 56 yrs of it…

allowing
books
or music
or visual media
to remove me
from that which
bothers me the most

still
every once in a while
I find myself
in the untenable position
of having no choice
but to deal
with the reality
of life
and once again
death

I’ve lost too much
recently
I keep thinking
this too can not be happening

but it is.

my father is dying
more so than an 80 yr old
is dying

he has lung cancer
inoperable
and in a couple of weeks
we’ll find out
just how many weeks/months
he has left

not likely years
but weeks or months

there’s decisions to be made
and things to do
and as much as I try
to while away my time
with other endeavors
the kind that I’ve used
to take me away
for all my 56 years

this little
earth shattering
tidbit of information
keeps peeping around
the corner
at me
taunting me
haunting me

it sits on my chest
and makes it hard
for me to breathe

it sits at the back
of my eyes
ever ready to well up

I think to myself
“move along
others have dealt with this
you can too”

it’s not working though…

is it selfish to say
I don’t want to?
is it selfish to say
it’s too soon?
is it selfish to say
yes…but what happens
to me now?

yes
it is

however
I’m told its
normal
healthy
common
the 5 stages of grief
etc
etc
etc

I don’t care
I just want to not
have everything I do
coloured by this
gargantuan sadness
or by worry

sadness
that enfolds me
encompasses me
engulfs me
takes charge

my logical mind
has the answers
and will do
what needs to be done

my sad and worried mind
needs to be acknowledged too.

the mind that keeps finding itself
on the floor of Grandma’s bedroom closet
weeping
just like when I was little.