…with a little help…

In Feburary
when my job imploded
along with my chest

I finally allowed
my Dr to prescribe
a small anti-depressant
(small in comparrison to my size
not size of pill LoL)

I’d been fighting it
for a couple of years
because I felt like
I should have been able
to suck it up
and get on with life

after all
that’s what I’ve done
for 50 odd years

besides
I’m an addict
and I spend a great deal of time
walking that razor’s edge
between drugs I need
and drugs I want

if you get my drift

anyway
because of the chest pains
the consensus of the dr’s
in my triad
(GP, Internist, Heart specialist)
felt it was
“in my best interest”

so here I am
6 mths later
and I have to say
that it was likely
a good decision

I’ve spent a very long time
down a deep dark hole
punishing myself
for decisions
I’d made
and repeated
over the years

this little pill
has changed my outlook

my cup is once again
half full
without effort

I find myself
once again
invested in my life

I find I’m laughing again
I find I’m enjoying my new job
I find I’m willing to take chances
I find I’m less fearful
than I have been in a long time

I find
the monumental hurts
perpatrated by others
and myself
no longer so painful

I find myself wondering
if my depression
has not been
as a result of
a genetic predisposition
(I can, off the top of my head
name a dozen people in my family
that have some kind of depression issue)

I wonder
how much better
their lives would be
if they’d just
take a little pill

my chest is better
I have a new job
I no longer have to take
abuse on the job
because I am afraid
of what I may lose

my life is good,
my health
as complicated
as it’s always been
is even more complicated
but I’m not stressed
my rx’s are now worth
$750.00 a week
and I’m not stressed
my new job requires
I pay for the drugs outright
and they will re-imburse me
a prospect that while I know
will tie up a great deal of my money
for 10 days to 2 weeks at a time
I’m not stresed
and that
in a nutshell
it what the difference is

at this moment in time
I am not stressed
about work, health, friends, family
the planet
I am not stressed

It’s not that I’m drugged
into a anti-depressant stupor
or that I’m unaware
and not feeling my life

it’s just that the stress
and anxiety
I have shared my life with
for so very long
is not there…

and that
is kinda neat!