Fun and Games

(if frank talk about body functions
gross you out….don’t read any further!)

the VOD
she drives me nuts

3 weeks ago while my blister was here
she and the VOD went up to visit my fadder
they consume a multitude of martinis
and the VOD falls and hurts her back

the blister and I fight with the VOD
non stop for a week trying to get her to
go to a dr
the VOD will not go cos
she’s afraid she’ll miss a part of
the blister’s visit

2 Sundays ago I drive the blister to the airport
so she can go home
and then have a huge fit with the VOD
that results in me takin her to emerg
and sitting for 10 odd hrs to find out
that while nothing is broken
she’s injured herself in a way that
will require meds

so fast forward to last Thursday
on my way out for dinner with friends
I says to myself…
I ain’t feeling good
I think I’m catching a cold
after dinner I went home
got into bed and only have
made it to the couch during the day since

till today.

around 11 AM I go over to the VOD’s
too see if I can borrow some coffee cream
as I’m out

the VOD is sitting on the couch
I ask her when she last ate
she says not for a couple of days
I ask why not? (cos yer an 80 yr old diabetic
with an apparent death wish)

she says “cos there’s no room”
huh?
what?
wtf does that mean?

we argue for a while
and eventually she tells me that she’s
not had a bowel movement since she hurt her back

3 fucking weeks ago!
OMG
I’d die

so I get dressed
and go to the pharmacy
and talk to the pharmacist
asking what I should give her
thinking laxative or stool softener…

he says I should take her to the hospital
cos she could have a blockage
(being 80 and diabetic and all)

fuck eh?

so I go home –
have a big fight with her to get her to go to the hosp –
end up having to call the bother
and get him to call her
and threaten to come down
before she’ll go…

we go to the hosp….
where they triage her
and we sit in the waiting room
for a couple of hours waiting to see a dr

Then they take us in to a room –
another nurse takes her vitals
and we wait again….
for a couple more hours…

and just about time
she’s gonna see the dr
she announces she has to pee…
so I wheel her into the bathroom
(cos her back’s too sore to walk)
and she disappears…
and comes out 10 min later
grinning like a Cheshire cat
cos she’s had a bowel movement!

and she knew I wouldn’t believe her
so she didn’t flush
so I could have a god damn look!

I swear to god she’s gonna make a drinker outta me.