Must be the season….

I spent the whole day today
fighting the urge to cry

right from the moment
I got out of bed
I wanted to weep
yet somehow
couldn’t allow myself to

we had an employee satisfaction survey
to fill out today
and the nutcase boss
advised us how to answer

that’s ethical
not!

I’ve come to realize
that without further education
I’m not going to get any further in that place
no matter
how smart
or savy
or skilled I am….

which means that I’ve got
2 more years of work
before I completely come to a stand still
in the paygrade area
after that…I just stagnate
for ever and ever…

and yet
while it would be the perfect place
to educate myself
because it is specifically designed
to facilitate education
while holding down a full time job
and I could do it for half price

I’m stymied

I’m stymied because
I can’t make a decision
as to direction
Project Management?
Human Resources?
official basket weaver?

and I’m stymied
because I know
without question
that my health
would not stand
for me to add
approx 15 to 20 hours a week
to my current workload
over the time it would take
to complete

so
I’d end up with an education
and be at death’s door

I’ve been fighting with
this here computer
for a while now
for some reason
about 3000 of my mp3’s
have decided
that they won’t play anymore
and no amount of trying
to back date this machine
to when they were working
seems to make a difference

once again
I’m a prime example
of a little bit of knowledge
being a dangerous thing
and mostly I’m just really tired
of being frustrated with the damn thing

I bought a car
while I was off on holidays
and while the payments
are as low as one can get
I’m still concerned about finances
and gawd knows
I can unrealistically worry about money

and I’m allergic
to the chemical “new” car smell
so it’s made me sick
but it could be something else
cos about have the “institution of higher learning”
is out with some kind of death defying galloping crud
that is laying healthy people out
flat on their backs
for 2 or 3 weeks at time

I’m scared I’m gonna get it too

taking last week off
found me coming back to work
having to make up
10 days of work
in 4 days
with little or no consideration
from the nut case

my two friends
that are leaving us….
actually left the Island today
and while I know in reality
they are only a phone call away
I’m sadder than sad
about the idea
that I can’t just slip an hour up the road
for coffee
although I can count the number of times
I did that
on one hand

it’s just the knowing
that I could have
had I wanted
that made me feel secure

all of this is topped off
by finding myself
sitting in front of the tube
this evening
watching “Out of Africa”
and crying like a baby

seems to me
that there’s gotta be
a break in the grey
that my life has become
sometime soon
before it’s too late

must be time to get the crochet hook out
I feel an urge
to
crochet my way
to mental health once again
coming on

sad days
sad nights
call for sad music