More

I phoned the bother at 9
and laid everything out in a clear and concise manner
and then got
full
on
hysterical

and like most men
his immediate reaction was:
“I’m coming down there and putting her in a home……if she won’t take care of herself then by god I’ll be making the decisions for her but you have to understand that she will be mad at you for squealing on her”

uhmmmm
hello?
what the fuck do you think I’ve been trying to do for all these years?

I.have.been.taking.care.of.her.for.as.long.as.I.can.remember.

sometimes I think it’s what I was born for
cos it’s not like anyone else gives a shit….

and maybe
what I really needed to hear
was
“you’ve been doing a good job “
or
“thanks for all your hard work”

it’s not like I’m a moron
I know that she will eventually die
we all will
but a little support wouldn’t be remiss

admitting to myself that it scares me is hard enough
having to have “Mr. Fixit” announce from on far
that he will “take care of it”
just pissed me off…

what the fuck have you been doing about “taking care of it”
for the last 10 years?

so I arrived at work at 10
talked to one of the directors at work
that let me in on some counselling
provided by our HR dept
that I can access for free

I set my out of office email for the holidays
and both my voice mails
and came home at noon
and sat here in the dark

I tried all afternoon to get to sleep
but didn’t’ have any luck
I finally did so around 5:30

I woke around 7
so
I called the VOD and asked her if she wanted me to get anything for her at the store
and she told me “she’s sick”
I told her if she’s still sick tomorrow she’ll be going to the Dr
and there ain’t no arguin
so give it up

apparently with an hour’s sleep comes a little backbone

I’ve been functioning for the better part of my adult life
on the brute strength and ignorance gets you thru persuasion
I do it for myself with my health
and I do it for the VOD to take care of her

all I have to do is get mad at them
and I can do it

I may not like it
and I may not need it
but I can do it