once upon a time
I was fearless
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
now I am fearful
and feel futile
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cwhat happened?\u201d one asks
Brain Damage\u2026in a word?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Concussion <\/p>\n\n\n\n
actually \u201caccumulated brain damage
as a result of repeated concussions
and years of medical interference
due to large amounts of medications ongoing\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
sounds intense eh?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it is\u2026
and
it isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m still intelligent
and articulate
but I have issues brain-wise\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was first diagnosed in 2015
and it\u2019s taken me a long long time
to come to grips
with my current
limitations<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve lost a 40 yr career
as an administrator
because I no longer recognize
when my work is wrong<\/p>\n\n\n\n
yet I\u2019m calmer
than I have ever been
in my life<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I no longer suffer from rages (nor do my friends and family)
but I\u2019m sad and depressed a lot (big dark hole depressed)
and of course
have the added pressure
of several
autoimmune diseases<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I had this whole meltdown yesterday about my new G.I.
saying that my Crohn\u2019s is mild and my upper G.I. is normal\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had myself convinced that I\u2019m a hypochondriac
and all of the symptoms are a figment of my imagination<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My counselor talked me down\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
so I\u2019ve been doing some research on signs and symptoms of adrenal diseases
(because that is what the endo is researching on my behalf)
just about every symptom I have
except for the screaming trots in the morning\u2019s
can be attributed to brain injury or adrenal diseases\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am absolutely flabbergasted at how many of the symptoms
I have and have had for most of my life
can be attributed to brain injuries\u2026.
Holy shit Batman, it\u2019s amazing to me that I got as far as I did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
one of the things
that is really hard to do
is to focus on today
to not spend a great deal of time
living in the past
or hoping for
grandiose things in the future\u2026
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And by grandiose I mean
getting back to what I perceive as normal
so what is important for me
to do is to live in the moment
and be happy with what I do have<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it really is hard to narrow my focus to the now\u2026
and not get caught up in movies and maybe if\u2019s<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think I can honestly say that <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was type A for a long time in my life\u2026
I sure as hell ain\u2019t now lol<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which leads me to another statement
\nabout the way, my brain works now\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I used to joke around
\nabout having ADOS
\n(attention deficit oh shiny)
\nbut when that occurred
\nI was always able to go back
\nto my original thoughts and plans
\nwithout losing anything in the translation\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There simply is no translation now.
\nif I start to do something and lose
\nfor whatever reason, my train of thought
\nI often don\u2019t go back to that train of thought
\nfor days <\/p>\n\n\n\n
which is why things don\u2019t get accomplished the way I used to
\nthere\u2019s a futility that comes
\nwith not understanding
\nthat what you\u2019ve done
\nfor the majority of you life
\neasily
\nno longer works
\nhow does one move on
\nat 63 almost 64 years of age?
\nI likely only have about a year
\nof work time left<\/p>\n\n\n\n
so
\nwhat to do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cwould you like fries with that?\u201d
\nlooks ike it may be my only option<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I keep applying for jobs
\nlike I used to
\nproud of my accomplishments etc<\/p>\n\n\n\n
but I\u2019m overqualified
\nfor everything retail
\nand have no experience
\nin that<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I often have
\ndays and days
\nwhere I get nothing accomplished
\nbecause of depression<\/p>\n\n\n\n
so I\u2019ve finally decided to apply
\nfor disability
\nwhich brings with it
\na whole new set of
\ninconsistencies<\/p>\n\n\n\n
for instance
\nin this province
\nyou are given $375 a month
\nfor shelter\u2026
\nin Victoria?
\nwhere a 1 room bachelor suite
\nis $1350
\nbut they are telling me I have to move<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it\u2019s no wonder
\nso many people are homeless here<\/p>\n\n\n\n
but still
\nI will strive
\nto find something<\/p>\n\n\n\n
to make life liveable<\/p>\n\n\n\n
once upon a time
\nI was fearless<\/p>\n\n\n\n
now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
not so much<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
once upon a time I was fearless now I am fearfuland feel futile \u201cwhat happened?\u201d one asks Brain Damage\u2026in a word? Concussion actually \u201caccumulated brain damage as a result of repeated concussions and years of medical interference due to large … Continue reading