today is the anniversary
\nof my father’s passing<\/p>\n
I was doing pretty good
\nfor most of the day
\nbut there’s been
\na couple of blows
\nthis evening
\nthat rocked me<\/p>\n
what exactly is it
\nthat makes people
\nbe mean
\nwhen they are hurting?<\/p>\n
I’ve know
\nfor most of my life
\nthat my sister
\ndoesn’t like me
\nshe doesn’t approve of me
\nand
\nshe won’t speak of it
\nshe says that she’s
\nan “avoid conflict” type<\/p>\n
but I think that’s
\nbullshit
\nI think she’s
\na “take cheap shots”
\nperson
\na “judging person”
\nand a mean person<\/p>\n
not always
\nbut there is always
\nthat underlying
\nnegativity there<\/p>\n
so back to today
\nI was doing ok
\nuntil this evening
\nwhen she sent an email out
\nto our extended family
\nabout our dad’s passing
\nthat completely, totally
\nignored me<\/p>\n
she spoke of how
\nshe and my brother
\n“busted ass”
\nto make his life better
\nas he was dying<\/p>\n
and they did
\nbut frankly
\nI was there for months
\nprior to her flying in
\nlike an avenging angel
\nfor the last few months<\/p>\n
there wasn’t room at his home
\nfor both of us to be there
\nand since I’d been there
\nfor so much already
\nI went home
\nto allow her to have her time with him<\/p>\n
apparently
\nfrom what she sent today
\nshe feels that makes her
\nsome kind “good daughter”
\nand me not so much<\/p>\n
she spends a lot of her time
\ntalking about
\nhow she was never loved<\/p>\n
but that’s not true
\nI’ve been proud of her
\nher whole life
\nher career is hard
\nbut she’s done amazingly
\nat it<\/p>\n
and I have loved her
\nfor more than 50 years.<\/p>\n
this is not the first time
\nher being mean
\nhas hurt me
\nand it won’t likely be the last<\/p>\n
but I’m now feeling
\nlike I’ve been allowing her
\nto have access to my feelings
\nto abuse
\nfor too many years<\/p>\n
I think I’m done.<\/p>\n
My mother once said
\nI needed to forgive her
\nI don’t know why
\nbut I also know
\nthat calling her on her
\nbehaviour
\nwill affect no one but me<\/p>\n
so
\nI’m done<\/p>\n
now I love her, but I don’t like her much<\/p>\n
having my feelings hurt
\ncauses me to fall into
\nold practices
\nlike eating chocolates
\ninstead of supper<\/p>\n
that’s my fault
\nI hope going forward
\nI’m strong enough
\nto not let
\nher being mean
\nand judging me
\nnot effect me
\nI hope I’m strong enough
\nto break old habits
\nand continue getting healthy<\/p>\n
cos frankly
\nat my house
\nit ain’t
\nall about her
\nit’s all about me!<\/p>\n
I loved my dad
\nwe didn’t see eye to eye
\non a lot
\nfor a long time
\nbut we got better at it
\nwe worked at it
\nand I know he loved me.<\/p>\n
and that’s a blessing.<\/p>\n
I miss him every day
\nsome more than others
\nbut every day…<\/p>\n
I just seem to be better
\nat dealing with it
\nthat some.<\/p>\n
for some reason that defies explanation<\/p>\n
I have Bill Wither’s singing “Grandma’s Hands” stuck in my head now<\/p>\n