annnnnd…we’re back!
\nI hope for good
\nbut we’ll see eh?<\/p>\n
I stopped writing regularly
\nfor a couple of reasons
\none being that the place
\nthat I work
\nhas eyes and ears
\neverywhere
\nand the other being
\nthe antidepressant
\none of my Dr’s put me on<\/p>\n
I used the antidepressant
\nas an excuse to stop
\ndoing all sorts of things
\nlike housework
\nwriting
\neating properly
\nmeditating
\ntaking my meds
\nall those things
\nthat I’d used
\nover the years
\nto de-stress
\nand to be me.<\/p>\n
recently
\nat the suggestion
\nof my therapist
\nI’ve started again
\nand frankly
\nmy hands hurt if
\nI physically try
\nto journal manually
\nso back I am
\nno promises
\nbut back I am<\/p>\n
so…
\nthings have piled up
\nas they say
\nall of them having an
\neffect on me<\/p>\n
I got ill last year
\nwas off work for
\n14 weeks
\nalmost cashed in
\nbut I didn’t
\nand I discovered
\na couple of things
\nabout my health
\nand my head<\/p>\n
went back to work in Apr
\nbut my brain wasn’t right
\nI no longer have the ability
\nto multitask
\nmy short term memory
\nis toast
\nwhich of course
\nterrified me
\nbecause of what’s happened
\nto the VoD
\nand her Mom as well<\/p>\n
things imploded work wise
\nin the fall
\nit was horrible
\nand sometimes still is
\nthe stress that I have
\nbeen under
\nhas been enormous
\nand in early Dec
\nI decided
\nthat I could
\nno longer
\njust put my head down
\nand make my way thru it<\/p>\n
I’m a survivor
\nI’ve been through a lot
\njust by putting my head down
\nand bulling my way through<\/p>\n
all my life
\nmy response to hurt
\nhas been anger<\/p>\n
over the last 20 or so years
\nI’ve attempted to
\nnot respond with physical anger
\nbut the anger didn’t go away<\/p>\n
when my dad died
\nI lost it
\nthen it was like losing my Mom
\na year later
\nwhen we had to put her in a home
\ndue to her memory loss<\/p>\n
when my dad died
\nI lost the place that I
\ncommuned with nature
\nand spirit
\nI stopped meditating
\nand I stopped eating
\nlike a diabetic<\/p>\n
so…as a result
\nof the physical
\nmanifestations of stress
\nI am seeing an occupational therapist
\nand a therapist<\/p>\n
and I’ve had a couple
\nof little epiphanies<\/p>\n
one of them was
\nto begin writing again
\ncatharsis I guess<\/p>\n
one was to find
\na new housekeeper
\nsince mine is now working
\nin Kitamat<\/p>\n
here’s the biggest one
\nso far anyway<\/p>\n
I hum all the time
\nif I’m not humming
\nI’m singing a stanza
\nfrom a song
\nor talking to myself<\/p>\n
I drive me crazy
\nbut I also drive
\nthose around me
\nnuts<\/p>\n
I remember a time
\n25 years ago
\nwhen my sister and I
\nended up
\nsharing a room
\nin a bush camp
\nwe were both working in
\nshe said to me one day:
\n“are you aware that
\nthere is not one minute,
\none second in a 24 hr
\nperiod that you do not
\nmake noise? you even
\nhum or whimper in
\nyour sleep!”<\/p>\n
over the last few years
\non my job
\nas my stress levels
\ngot more intense
\nmy noise go more so
\nthe more stressed I am
\nthe more noise I make
\nand here’s the catch
\nI don’t know I’m doing it<\/p>\n
it’s not like
\nI’m singing arias
\nbut I am talking
\nto myself or humming
\nunder my breath
\nall the time
\nand the people
\nI share space with
\nin our office
\nwill not
\ncan not
\nalert me to the fact<\/p>\n
I’ve tried to ask them
\nto throw an eraser at me
\nor something like a nerf ball
\nto snap me outta it
\nbut they won’t
\nthey can’t<\/p>\n
so it’s been miserable
\nand the more pressure I’m under
\nto not make noise
\nthe worse it gets…
\nthe more noise I make
\ncos I’m stressing about
\nmaking the noise
\nas well as
\ntrying not to
\nviscous circle or what?<\/p>\n
so I’m with the therapist
\nlast week
\nand she says
\n“when do you think
\nyou starting making noise?”<\/p>\n
I respond with
\n“my mother has told me
\nin the past
\nthat I started at about 3
\nsinging myself to sleep
\nand rocking”<\/p>\n
she says “and when
\ndid the abuse start?”<\/p>\n
I respond unthinkingly
\n“when I was 3…”<\/p>\n
“oh”<\/p>\n
and she says “so…
\nyou have been self-soothing
\nfor over 50 years…and
\nwe have tools to help you”<\/p>\n
little epiphanies eh?
\ncolour me gobsmacked!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
annnnnd…we’re back! I hope for good but we’ll see eh? I stopped writing regularly for a couple of reasons one being that the place that I work has eyes and ears everywhere and the other being the antidepressant one of … Continue reading