it’s an easy enough thing
\nfor me
\nto let my mind wander
\naway from the things
\nthat hurt or bother me<\/p>\n
I’ve been doing it
\nmy whole life long<\/p>\n
all 56 yrs of it…<\/p>\n
allowing
\nbooks
\nor music
\nor visual media
\nto remove me
\nfrom that which
\nbothers me the most<\/p>\n
still
\nevery once in a while
\nI find myself
\nin the untenable position
\nof having no choice
\nbut to deal
\nwith the reality
\nof life
\nand once again
\ndeath<\/p>\n
I’ve lost too much
\nrecently
\nI keep thinking
\nthis too can not be happening<\/p>\n
but it is.<\/p>\n
my father is dying
\nmore so than an 80 yr old
\nis dying<\/p>\n
he has lung cancer
\ninoperable
\nand in a couple of weeks
\nwe’ll find out
\njust how many weeks\/months
\nhe has left<\/p>\n
not likely years
\nbut weeks or months<\/p>\n
there’s decisions to be made
\nand things to do
\nand as much as I try
\nto while away my time
\nwith other endeavors
\nthe kind that I’ve used
\nto take me away
\nfor all my 56 years<\/p>\n
this little
\nearth shattering
\ntidbit of information
\nkeeps peeping around
\nthe corner
\nat me
\ntaunting me
\nhaunting me<\/p>\n
it sits on my chest
\nand makes it hard
\nfor me to breathe<\/p>\n
it sits at the back
\nof my eyes
\never ready to well up<\/p>\n
I think to myself
\n“move along
\nothers have dealt with this
\nyou can too”<\/p>\n
it’s not working though…<\/p>\n
is it selfish to say
\nI don’t want to?
\nis it selfish to say
\nit’s too soon?
\nis it selfish to say
\nyes…but what happens
\nto me now?<\/p>\n
yes
\nit is<\/p>\n
however
\nI’m told its
\nnormal
\nhealthy
\ncommon
\nthe 5 stages of grief
\netc
\netc
\netc<\/p>\n
I don’t care
\nI just want to not
\nhave everything I do
\ncoloured by this
\ngargantuan sadness
\nor by worry<\/p>\n
sadness
\nthat enfolds me
\nencompasses me
\nengulfs me
\ntakes charge<\/p>\n
my logical mind
\nhas the answers
\nand will do
\nwhat needs to be done<\/p>\n
my sad and worried mind
\nneeds to be acknowledged too.<\/p>\n
the mind that keeps finding itself
\non the floor of Grandma’s bedroom closet
\nweeping
\njust like when I was little.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
it’s an easy enough thing for me to let my mind wander away from the things that hurt or bother me I’ve been doing it my whole life long all 56 yrs of it… allowing books or music or visual … Continue reading