on Sept 14, 1976
\nI gave birth to a baby girl
\nthat I named Rachael Lee<\/p>\n
I made the hardest decision of my life
\nand gave that child up for adoption<\/p>\n
I was a junkie – full blown
\nwho’d just lost the love of her life
\nand was no more ready to be a mom
\nthan I could have flown to the moon<\/p>\n
I always said that
\nI didn’t want to become
\none of those women
\nwho end up on Springer
\ntalking about the baby
\nthey “lost”
\nonly to have someone shout
\n“you didn’t lose her
\nyou gave her away!”<\/p>\n
that would never happen to me
\nbecause
\nI never thought of her as lost<\/p>\n
I thought of her as….not mine<\/p>\n
I knew that she’d been adopted
\nand that those people must love her<\/p>\n
so I was good
\nholding a quiet place for her
\nin my heart…and loving her
\nfrom afar<\/p>\n
in early June of 2008
\na then friend
\nunder some sort of misguided assumptions
\nreached out
\nand
\nfound my daughter<\/p>\n
and for me and my family
\nstarted a snowball
\nthat we may never recover from<\/p>\n
by the end of June 2008
\nI was informed by the CAS
\nthat my daughter had decided
\nthat she didn’t want to find
\nher birth family anymore
\nso I decided to stand down
\nand I fought with my family
\nover it.<\/p>\n
a fight that I first had
\nthirty odd years ago…<\/p>\n
but the bones were cast
\nand now…<\/p>\n
I knew what she looked like
\nI knew her new name
\nso over the last 3 years
\nI guess I sorta
\ncyber stalked her
\nnot so she’d know
\nbut to appease my
\ngiant curiosity<\/p>\n
for the very first time
\nsince she was born
\nI could no longer
\njust leave it all up
\nto blind faith<\/p>\n
I had a need
\nbut a need
\nthat must be answered
\nwithout causing her
\nand hers
\nany more distress…<\/p>\n
I found out
\nthat she suffers
\nsome of the same demons
\nI do:
\noutspoken but shy
\nhid herself behind a nickname
\nhad a daughter – that she was raising
\na tendency to over share
\nartistic but bored fast
\nnever had a drug of choice – loved em all
\nall about being real
\nno lies, no bull, no pretending
\nfakers and clingy people need not apply
\nselfish and yet insecure.
\nI found out that she looks like me
\na younger version
\nwith hair
\nbut like me…<\/p>\n
I found her on FB
\nand I found her on YouTube
\nand because
\nshe didn’t want a connection
\nI watched from a distance
\nand did my best to honour
\nher wishes.<\/p>\n
I’d not looked in on her for a while
\nthere’s been lots going on in my life
\nand in true selfish form
\nI’d got caught up in it
\nand I really hadn’t looked<\/p>\n
so today I went to see
\nand today I found out
\nthat my baby girl
\ndied April 30, 2011
\nof an overdose<\/p>\n
it remains to be seen
\nif it was intentional
\nor not
\nI’ve read the obits
\nand notes left in memoriam<\/p>\n
my mouth is dry
\nmy head hurts
\nand I am numb
\nkinda like the feeling I get
\njust before a migraine<\/p>\n
I’m sure
\nthat there is processing
\nto do
\nbut I’m just stumped.<\/p>\n
I feel the loss
\njust as I felt
\nall those years ago
\nonly this time
\nthere comes with
\na kind of wistful sadness
\nthat I can’t place
\nsurrounded by
\nwhat if’s
\nand woulda, shoulda and coulda<\/p>\n
and for the first time
\nin a very long time
\nI don’t know
\nwhat to do.<\/p>\n
I feel like
\nI should tell someone
\nbut I think that
\nI can’t tell my family
\nover the phone
\nand my aunt’s celebration of life
\nisn’t until Sunday<\/p>\n
so I’ll wait
\nand other than that
\nI don’t know what to do.
\nI feel like I should do something
\nI’m just not exactly sure what
\nat the moment<\/p>\n
how very sad
\nand very odd
\nall at once
\nit feels suspiciously
\nas if someone has sucked
\nall the air out of this room<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
on Sept 14, 1976 I gave birth to a baby girl that I named Rachael Lee I made the hardest decision of my life and gave that child up for adoption I was a junkie – full blown who’d just … Continue reading