{"id":1762,"date":"2009-01-21T18:04:00","date_gmt":"2009-01-22T02:04:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/beltdrivebetty.com\/wyzwmnsworld\/?p=1762"},"modified":"2010-09-29T18:26:45","modified_gmt":"2010-09-30T01:26:45","slug":"shame-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/?p=1762","title":{"rendered":"Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"

I woke up crying
again this morning<\/span><\/p>\n

I dreamt I’d lost my baby<\/span>
I dreamt I was standing <\/span>
over her cradle<\/span>
and my baby is gone<\/span><\/p>\n

I wake to the horror<\/span>
of helplessness<\/span><\/p>\n

I wake with a heart pounding<\/span>
head banging fear<\/span>
tears rolling down my face<\/span>
chest heaving <\/span>
full of dread <\/span>
feeling powerless<\/span>
once again<\/span><\/p>\n

in time <\/span>
I realize where I am<\/span>
and while my heart pounds less<\/span>
and my head bangs less<\/span>
the tears are slower to stop<\/span><\/p>\n

the dread doesn’t leave<\/span>
the conviction of hopelessness<\/span>
doesn’t lessen<\/span>
and the tears come back easily<\/span>
as if they have
a mind of their own<\/p>\n

this loss
that I have felt
for close to 40 years
has returned
with a vengeance<\/p>\n

this loss
that I was so sure
that you
of all people
understood<\/p>\n

<\/span>this dread<\/span>
the absolute horror <\/span>
in the pit of my stomach<\/span>
lives as a physical entity<\/span>
and truly hasn’t left me in months<\/span>
<\/span>
<\/span><\/span>this loss has become
my constant companion<\/span>
since the day you chose
to change my life
<\/span>
as my day goes on<\/span>
I am unable to shake the <\/span>
the inconceivable feeling<\/span>
that there are no choices in life<\/span>
that the very basis
of my personal beliefs<\/span>
have been haphazardly changed<\/p>\n

<\/span>that I can no longer trust myself <\/span>
to know the truth <\/span>
when it presents itself…<\/span>

because I know<\/span>
that no matter <\/span>
how long and hard <\/span>
you think on something<\/span>
before you make a decision<\/span><\/p>\n

in the end<\/span>
someone else <\/span>
can take the choice from you
some one will betray
your love and confidence<\/p>\n

<\/span>they will make it their will<\/span>

they will do <\/span>
what they want<\/span><\/span>
in spite of you
or your wishes<\/p>\n

<\/span>and you will be forever changed<\/span><\/p>\n

we’ve increased the meds<\/span>
and I’ve continued to carry on <\/span>
with my relationships<\/span>
and my life<\/span>
as best I can
although I find it hard
due to your need to follow me everywhere
as if the very act of showing up
would absolve you
of your sin
<\/span>
in the end<\/span>
you did this<\/span><\/p>\n

you took my trust<\/span>
and my reliance
on your integrity<\/span>
your strength<\/span>
your abilities<\/span>
and my confidence in you
and you betrayed me<\/p>\n

<\/span>you forced your will on me<\/span><\/p>\n

No amount of denial will change <\/span>
the fact that you have irrevocably changed my life<\/p>\n

<\/span>No amount of you saying
you didn’t do anything wrong<\/span>
will change the fact
that in the end<\/span>
you did what you did….<\/span>
unthinkingly<\/span>
heartbreakingly<\/span>
sadly<\/span><\/p>\n

as time goes on<\/span>
I plaster a smile on my face<\/span>
and I try to move forward<\/span>

I am often successful <\/span>
to the outward eye<\/span>
and people have no idea<\/span>
how shut down I am<\/span>
inside<\/span><\/p>\n

how little I truly feel<\/span>
how the hate and disgust
I held for you
when it first happened<\/p>\n

<\/span>have been replaced <\/span>
by a never ending dread
and loss
<\/span><\/span>
how the hurt<\/span>
like acid<\/span>
is eating me<\/span>
from the inside <\/span>
out<\/span><\/p>\n

They truly have no idea<\/p>\n

<\/span>How ashamed I am<\/span>
that I ever called you friend<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/embed><\/object><\/p>\n

I Don’t Care Anymore – Phil Collins<\/p>\n

Well you can tell everyone I’m a down disgrace<\/span>
Drag my name all over the place.<\/span>
I don’t care anymore.<\/span>
You can tell everybody bout the state I’m in<\/span>
You wont catch me crying cos I just cant win.<\/span>
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore<\/span><\/p>\n

I don’t care what you say<\/span>
I don’t play the same games you play.<\/span><\/p>\n

cos Ive been talking to the people that you call your friends<\/span>
And it seems to me there’s a means to and end.<\/span>
They don’t care anymore.<\/span>
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time<\/span>
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.<\/span>
I don’t care anymore I don’t care no more<\/span><\/p>\n

I don’t care what you say<\/span>
We never played by the same rules anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wont be there anymore<\/span>
Get out of my way<\/span>
Let me by<\/span>
I got better things to do with my time<\/span>
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore<\/span>
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore<\/span><\/p>\n

Well, I don’t care now what you say<\/span>
cos every day I’m feeling fine with myself<\/span>
And I don’t care now what you say<\/span>
Hey Ill do alright by myself<\/span>
cos I know.<\/span><\/p>\n

cos I remember all the times I tried so hard<\/span>
And you laughed in my face cos you held all the cards.<\/span>
I don’t care anymore.<\/span>
And I really aint bothered what you think of me<\/span>
cos all I want of you is just a let me be.<\/span>
I don’t care anymore do you hear? I don’t care no more<\/span><\/p>\n

I don’t care what you say<\/span>
I never did believe you much anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wont be there no more<\/span>
So get out of my way.<\/span>
Let me by<\/span>
I got better things to do with my time<\/span>
I don’t care anymore<\/span>
Do you hear? I don’t care anymore<\/span>
I don’t care no more<\/span>
You listening? I don’t care no more<\/span>
No more!<\/span><\/p>\n

You know I don’t care no more!<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I woke up cryingagain this morning I dreamt I’d lost my babyI dreamt I was standing over her cradleand my baby is gone I wake to the horrorof helplessness I wake with a heart poundinghead banging feartears rolling down my … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1762","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1762","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1762"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1762\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4355,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1762\/revisions\/4355"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1762"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1762"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1762"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}