{"id":1532,"date":"2007-12-21T08:16:00","date_gmt":"2007-12-21T16:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/beltdrivebetty.com\/wyzwmnsworld\/?p=1532"},"modified":"2010-09-29T18:27:38","modified_gmt":"2010-09-30T01:27:38","slug":"i-woke-up-crying-again-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/?p=1532","title":{"rendered":"I woke up crying again"},"content":{"rendered":"

I roll over and look at the clock<\/span>
3:30 AM<\/span>
<\/span>
not again….<\/span>
<\/span>
I’d been dreaming of the house<\/span>
or the loosing of the house rather….<\/span>
you remember the house?…the one that I bought from the VOD for way way more money than it was worth to enable her to have a “retirement” only to loose later when Danny ran off with all my money and the truck and the bikes and the trailer and the job was gone and I was sooo sick?<\/span>
<\/span>
I thought I’d worked my way thru all that guilt over having lost the family home 10 years ago…but I guess not…<\/span>
<\/span>
my eyes hurt…in spite of having put the medicine in them when I went to bed <\/span>
the right one feels cut so even if I can get myself to stop crying it leaks uncontrollably…and light makes it worse…I feel borderline migraine-ish and I should have known considering all the leg cramps I had last night…but there’s no tonic in the house…so no quinine for me….<\/span>
<\/span>
I look at the clock and it’s 4:35<\/span>
at least I don’t have to worry about work…the worst of the transition is over and Hysteria is on holidays…so if I’m late no one will know but me<\/span>
<\/span>
I’m in bed and out<\/span>
restlessly pacing <\/span>
crying<\/span>
<\/span>
I put medicine in my eyes and cry it out<\/span>
pace into the kitchen…wipe my snotty face and back to bed<\/span>
repeat<\/span>
<\/span>
I realize it’s fear…<\/span>
fear of the demise of a woman<\/span>
fear of the demise of the VOD<\/span>
fear if being stuck<\/span>
how did I get stuck here?<\/span>
wasting<\/span>
waiting<\/span>
how?<\/span>
<\/span>
I don’t know how much longer I can do this<\/span>
<\/span>
I don’t know how I can continue to resent that the bother and the blister are blissfully living thier own turbulent lives while I am here waiting for the VOD’s demise<\/span>
I feel like I’m in god’s waiting room too early<\/span>
<\/span>
she won’t go to the dr<\/span>
not that she has one<\/span>
I think she’s having TIA’s again<\/span>
she doesn’t remember things from the very fabric of my childhood…<\/span>
but she remembers bad jokes from the 30’s <\/span>
she’s angry so much of the time<\/span>
it’s not like she’s got religion to fall back on<\/span>
or relationships<\/span>
she has nothing….<\/span>
she puts on the good face <\/span>
when the bother or the blister put in a brief appearance <\/span>
or phone<\/span>
but mostly she’s waiting to die<\/span>
I want her to fight<\/span>
but she doesn’t get it<\/span>
and it’s not like we can really talk about it<\/span>
we only talk about it when I get so frustrated with her<\/span>
that I get mad<\/span>
and while I know that’s not good<\/span>
it is what it is<\/span>
<\/span>
is this what it will be like for me?<\/span>
alone…<\/span>
I won’t even have a cranky fat bald daughter to rely on…<\/span>
<\/span>
she was once so vibrant<\/span>
now she goes for days where she doesn’t get out of her pyjamas<\/span>
or put her blessed face on<\/span>
she won’t get her hair cut because she doesn’t want people to see her hearing aids…<\/span>
she doesn’t smile or laugh because she doesn’t want people to see the horrid mess her teeth have become<\/span>
she feigns sickness “the flu” so she can think she’s covering the amount that she’s drinking and I won’t catch on<\/span>
I recently had to take a day off work to drive her around to try to find her a dr that would fill all her prescriptions…cos I got a call from the pharmacy and she was out of everything – heart medicine, diabetes medicine, blood pressure, thyroid….out of everything and didn’t mention it…<\/span>
he Dr retired in June<\/span>
and in spite of my repeated attempts to assist her in finding another<\/span>
she will not<\/span>
cos as long as she doesn’t have a dr she doesn’t have to go to one and find out how bad things may really be….<\/span>
she won’t walk over to the grocery store next door to get herself anything healthy to eat nor will she walk the half block to the dentist to get her teeth fixed even tho the blister gave her money to do so….but she walks the half block the the liquor store a couple of times a week<\/span> <\/span>
she’s so small and haggard<\/span>
a recluse<\/span>
and I don’t know what to do about it<\/span>
I want my mommy….but she’s not in there…<\/span>
<\/span>
I’d like to spend some time with friends over the holidays…and I feel selfish wanting to do so…<\/span>
she has no one but me…<\/span>
and I’m vacillating between angry and sad<\/span>
so<\/span>
I suppose that perhaps the time has come for me to find myself a grief counsellor<\/span>
not for her…but for me<\/span>
<\/span>
it’s now 7:30<\/span>
and while I can now face this monitor<\/span>
and type all this out<\/span>
my right eye is still weeping and my head is still full<\/span>
<\/span><\/span>
all this<\/span>
before the crack of dawn<\/span>
will I be able to pull it together<\/span>
to meet the day?<\/span>
do I want to?<\/span>
<\/span>
I know this too shall pass <\/span>
but I wonder what exactly <\/span>
I could be doing to make any of this better?<\/span>
what?<\/span>
what?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I roll over and look at the clock3:30 AMnot again….I’d been dreaming of the houseor the loosing of the house rather….you remember the house?…the one that I bought from the VOD for way way more money than it was worth … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1532","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1532","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1532"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1532\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4815,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1532\/revisions\/4815"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1532"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1532"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1532"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}