{"id":1477,"date":"2007-10-24T21:03:00","date_gmt":"2007-10-25T04:03:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/beltdrivebetty.com\/wyzwmnsworld\/?p=1477"},"modified":"2010-09-29T18:27:55","modified_gmt":"2010-09-30T01:27:55","slug":"trust-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/?p=1477","title":{"rendered":"Trust"},"content":{"rendered":"

sometimes I wonder<\/span><\/strong>
where I’d be in my life<\/span><\/strong>
by now<\/span><\/strong>
if I’d have just learned <\/span><\/strong>
to trust<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
when I was a kid<\/span><\/strong>
and all the “bad shit”<\/span><\/strong>
went on<\/span><\/strong>
I stopped trusting <\/span><\/strong>
the people that I should have <\/span><\/strong>
been able to trust <\/span><\/strong>
the most<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
as a young adult<\/span><\/strong>
I didn’t trust <\/span><\/strong>
that they’d keep me safe<\/span><\/strong>
cos they hadn’t when I was a child<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
so I set about <\/span><\/strong>
developing the defense mechanisms<\/span><\/strong>
that I needed <\/span><\/strong>
to participate in my life<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
I built walls<\/span><\/strong>
to keep me safe<\/span><\/strong>
walls to live behind<\/span><\/strong>
walls to protect me <\/span><\/strong>
from the outside world<\/span><\/strong>
and possibly walls<\/span><\/strong>
to protect the outside<\/span><\/strong>
world<\/span><\/strong>
from <\/span><\/strong>
me….<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
I worked and worked<\/span><\/strong>
and built walls so strong<\/span><\/strong>
that here I am <\/span><\/strong>
more than 50 years old<\/span><\/strong>
and <\/span><\/strong>
many<\/span><\/strong>
of those walls<\/span><\/strong>
are still intact<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
as a young woman<\/span><\/strong>
I didn’t trust enough<\/span><\/strong>
to believe people<\/span><\/strong>
when they told me I was smart<\/span><\/strong>
or pretty<\/span><\/strong>
or any of the many things<\/span><\/strong>
young girls hear from adults<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I set about building a wall <\/span><\/strong>
of intent and purpose<\/span><\/strong>
to keep those people<\/span><\/strong>
from finding out <\/span><\/strong>
who the real me was<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
I built walls of anger<\/span><\/strong>
and walls of hatred<\/span><\/strong>
and walls of violence<\/span><\/strong>
and walls of fear<\/span><\/strong>
and packed them all up <\/span><\/strong>
in a package <\/span><\/strong>
that grew and grew<\/span><\/strong>
as I did over the years….<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
there was a time<\/span><\/strong>
when<\/span><\/strong>
someone truly <\/span><\/strong>
broke down a many<\/span><\/strong>
of my walls<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
he worked hard at it<\/span><\/strong>
and he taught me to trust<\/span><\/strong>
as I had never trusted before….<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
sometimes I think<\/span><\/strong>
maybe I trusted him too much<\/span><\/strong>
cos when he died<\/span><\/strong>
a big old chunk of <\/span><\/strong>
who I’d become<\/span><\/strong>
died too<\/span><\/strong>
and I lost trust again<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
and so I set about <\/span><\/strong>
reinforcing those walls<\/span><\/strong>
and in turn<\/span><\/strong>
set about living my life<\/span><\/strong>
again…<\/span><\/strong>
as carefree<\/span><\/strong>
and unrestricted<\/span><\/strong>
as humanly possible<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
in those days<\/span><\/strong>
in my life<\/span><\/strong>
carefree and unrestricted <\/span><\/strong>
meant precocious, promiscuous <\/span><\/strong>
(sometimes not by choice) <\/span><\/strong>
and high<\/span><\/strong>
leave us not forget very very high…<\/span><\/strong>
some times so high<\/span><\/strong>
that I’d thought I’d die<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
but<\/span><\/strong>
maybe that <\/span><\/strong>
was the point?<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
in the process<\/span><\/strong>
of proving that I needed no one<\/span><\/strong>
I almost killed myself<\/span><\/strong>
by putting myself in the position<\/span><\/strong>
to have to consciously chose<\/span><\/strong>
life over death<\/span><\/strong>
many times<\/span><\/strong>
(although sometimes<\/span><\/strong>
Dr’s made the choices for me)<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
all of this because <\/span><\/strong>
I didn’t trust myself<\/span><\/strong>
enough<\/span><\/strong>
to realize that what I was doing<\/span><\/strong>
was defensive<\/span><\/strong>
as opposed to offensive<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
over the years of my life<\/span><\/strong>
I’ve trusted enough to be involved<\/span><\/strong>
in 3 relationships <\/span><\/strong>
that lasted more than 10 years each<\/span><\/strong>
but never trusted myself enough<\/span><\/strong>
to truly be myself<\/span><\/strong>
in any of them<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
I’ve spent most of my life<\/span><\/strong>
living behind walls<\/span><\/strong>
and now <\/span><\/strong>
that some of the walls <\/span><\/strong>
have come down<\/span><\/strong>
I have time to wonder<\/span><\/strong>
what my life would be like<\/span><\/strong>
if I’d just learned <\/span><\/strong>
to trust…<\/span><\/strong>
<\/span><\/strong>
even now<\/span><\/strong>
there’s a nagging<\/span><\/strong>
voice<\/span><\/strong>
in my head<\/span><\/strong>
that says<\/span><\/strong>
“I know I’d be a better person<\/span><\/strong>
if I’d just trust more”<\/span><\/strong>
but <\/span><\/strong>
I know better<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I’m <\/span><\/strong>
a <\/span><\/strong>
tuff<\/span><\/strong>
sell.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

sometimes I wonderwhere I’d be in my lifeby nowif I’d have just learned to trustwhen I was a kidand all the “bad shit”went onI stopped trusting the people that I should have been able to trust the mostas a young … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1477","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1477","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1477"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1477\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4925,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1477\/revisions\/4925"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1477"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1477"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wyzwmn9444.live-website.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1477"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}