WyzWmn's World©

I’m sure that’s not a good combo

every once in a while
I get anxious about my lot in life
not that I think my life sux
but that sometimes
the kosmos
make me feel stagnated

I really don’t have room
to feel this way
by comparison to others
but…..

I want to move
I’d love to move
I want away from this building
on so many levels
I can’t list

but I’m stymied by finances
again

I want to find something
to assist my finances
and allow me to live
in a way that doesn’t allow for
constant worrying about finances
but
I don’t want to be like the bother
and work 24/7/365
I’m too damn old
and too damn sick
for that

but I’m not too sick to not work
thank goodness

still…..I really really really would like
to get away from that Shriekin bitch
and her 50 yr old pre-pubescent son
next door

if I have to rent
I’d like to live in a cement building
a little quiet wouldn’t suck
ya know?

I need 2 parking spots
and I need an elevator
and maybe
I’d like to have a little dog again
for company…

and while I can say to myself
this will happen
I’m deathly tired of waiting

there has to be some way
to get outta white trash hell

I’m sure that this was all precipitated
by discovering that my car
had been “bumped”
yet again
here’s hopin that the
3 strikes rule
holds true
and I don’t have any other
crap around the car….

imagine making the kind of money
I do
and not being able to afford
to move anywhere in this city?
imagine the very idea
that I live and work in a place
that requires over 1000.00 a mth
to rent a freakin 1 bedroom apt?

yup
frustrated
and
whiny
definitely not a good combo…
eh?

the sound: Andreas Vollenweider – Mandragora, Andreas Vollenwieder – The Glass Hall, Andreas Vollenweider – Dancing with the Lion, Andreas Vollenweider – Behind the Gardens, Behind the Wall

For the first time, Robert denied that his intention was to marry me.

That silly little smirk he’d got on his face every time his mother had suggested it in the past was gone…and now there was a mean guy in it’s place.

Mrs. K was shocked and as she was twittering and exclaimed about his daring to speak to her in that manner, or daring to speak about his intended with that kind of language, or about him not being too big or too ill for her to box his ears or turn him over her knee and paddle his bare ass…Robert continued to rage culminating in….

“Get that fucking Canadian bitch outta my house!”

I just sat there, hanging my head almost unaware of the cacophony around me….all I could think about was the vial and packet in the closet….that….and how much I really wanted to go home.

Rosie ushered her mother out of the room as Robert sort of wound down and eventually there was silence….just the 2 of us and silence.

“What do you want from me Robert?” I asked, my eyes slipping furtively to the dark recesses of the closet.

“I want you to get me a hit…and then if I want another I want you to get me that one too…and I want you to not have any…I want you to keep that monkey in check…cos you job is to take care of me…and if you do that right…I’ll let you go home.” he said through clenched teeth.

I looked up at his face to see beads of sweat rolling down his temples…and I realized that sure…Robert was in pain…but that he had that same monkey I did.

“what…what…what…what if I flush it all and we both keep our monkey’s in check?” I suggested.

Robert snorted…”not possible”

“I could get you some Jack to take off the edge” I suggested.
“Just get me my fuckin fix bitch!” Robert roared

So I did…I got the second glass kit out of the bathroom drawer and I did just that….

Then against all my promised to Michael, and myself…and even in some way to Robert….I got me one too…

And over time….

There was another…

And another…

And then Gus the Greek came back…

And then there was more….

There eventually became a darkness around that house that no one could see but Robert and I…and in a way it was like coming home.

By the time Robert was well enough to get outta bed on his own…the house was in shambles and both of us were in very serious trouble….it seemed like weeks and months, but truly had only been a matter of days before Robert was running out of cash and we’d started talking about selling things at the house.

We spent our days out of it and then nights scrounging to get more…and when we weren’t high we were figuring ways to get high or we spent our nights high and our days scrounging…I don’t really remember.

I do remember hiding from Mrs. K and Rosie…and I remember Robert beginning to bother me….and not in a friendly way. In no time at all I was thinking about ways to get rid of Robert so that I could have it all to myself.

I was irrational.

I was high.

And I was out of my ever loving mind.